Last last night, early this morning in fact, I didn’t feel in any way capable of communicating with the mes. But I tried, anyway. I asked that if they had anything to share to please feel free, now and always. I said some kind, soothy things. And after my mom popped downstairs and said something she didn’t need to say as the obvious result she was after was to upset me, I asked the mes if they know why that stuff gets to me sometimes when I could easily ignore her and not give her that power.
Flash forward to my needing nap. Rob had had an enormous meltdown before school, a kind of meltdown where I was worried he would break the dishwasher or something, because scratch.mit.edu was down and stayed down for a long long time, and that is his one go-to website before school. It didn’t help that we went to the Is It Down Now? website to check if it was down or if it was on our end, because Rob kept refreshing that age, and he became more and more upset. So we were a little late for school. I told him we would wait until it was back up because how he feels in more important than being on time for school. Once I got home from taking him in, I was already beat. So, the nap.
I had one of my EXTREMELY vivid dreams. The kind where I can actually direct what happens a little bit. This one was disturbing, at best. The dream had the usual characters who are involved in my crap dreams: my mother, my brother, and my father. He comes back in these dreams as a drunk, dumbass, and we all know he died, but we stopped reacting to his presence as if it’s freaky. It’s like, oh, there is dead drunk dad again.
In the dream, my dead drunk dad kept trying to grab at me and fondle me and grope me and kiss me. And other things. I got away from him many times. But then it occurred to me that I needed someone to see it happen. So, I made the dream kind of reset. My dad came at me and I honestly couldn’t get away. And my mom walked in and totally saw it. My dad stopped and those two walked off together, with their heads together, discussing how I always do things wrong. How things are my fault. And my mom assumed that whole my dad attacking me was my fault. And then she was telling him about the money I used for emergencies.
I saw her a little later and I was, like, what the fuck? You saw what he did. And she said why, no, I didn’t see anything like that.
This same basic thing played out a few more times. Once with my brother watching. But then he turned into Chris, and Chris got right in my dad’s face and really let him have it. He yelled at him, then he yelled at my mom. But it was like they couldn’t hear it. But in my dream I was happy that someone believed me. I am not really sure if that was Chris or my brother believing me. But my mom never, ever did.
There is another layer to this dream, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing it yet.
I feel like the dream was a way for me to know she did know but pretended she didn’t. And it also answered the question of why I let her effect me instead of ignoring her. I have serious rage issues about her.